People with herpes should wear stickers.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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