My room smells like vodka and shame
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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