I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
In other news, I just burned my penis
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
