I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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