She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
