The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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