Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
