Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
