Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize