We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
