I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
