so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
