I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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