you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
