I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
