Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
