is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
