I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
