So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Who died my cat blue again?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
