I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
