I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
