Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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