I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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