Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
