I think I just saw someone hide a body.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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