Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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