Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
