I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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