So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
