i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
