If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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