So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
