I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
