I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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