I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
