ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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