this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
