Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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