so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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