So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
