LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
