I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
