Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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