3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The power of my boobs compel you
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
