I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
