i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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