I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
