Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
