For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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