dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
