im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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