Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
